March 19 - Who Am I?

A good question to meditate on...

I've heard from some wise people, that lifes greatest challenge no matter where you go, will always be the same. You'll meet your own self, your own demons. My enemies aren't the in the insect world, nor in the lack of creature comforts, nor in hard work, nor heat. I carry my garbage around with me but usually ignore it. So what would that be…..a lack of confidence, a lack of focus in details, a general sense of confusion, and this one I hate the most....a lazy mind. Yikes, I hate that one!! This trip also makes me realise how you get challenged by changing your routines and discovering how dependant you are on certain comforts and status symbols you attach yourself to. It makes me think about how many props we have to hold ourselves up and keep up our image. (I guess living in Norrebro has also taught me a bit about that...) Here you have nothing familiar to hold on to and identify with.

And......since I no longer know what i look like - no mirrors - I feel great!! I think beauty is defined differently here and I like it! As for no mirrors, people adjust your collar or remove food from other's faces as needed. It's sweet.

And then there's the question of fitting into a different set of values with different props and symbols. So how do I fit in as a woman living half in the mens' world of meetings and speeches? I have to say I don’t agree with the values system for men and woman and struggle with it. I feel owned by the man of the house. I am taken care of like a precious object, but don’t have many rights. My objects, like my flashlight, have become under his control. He is so kind and harmless but still I really strain to control myself sometimes. He tells me what pictures to take and not take and I have to ask to use my flashlight. I usually ask only to give it to Krisi who is carefully navigating in the pitch black organizing the corn, dishes and doing other chores. (I'm often told to sit and talk with the men while Krisi works - but always sneak away to help her.) She's so happy to use it and it really has changed things for her to be able to see after 6:30pm. She usually doesn’t dare to ask for the light.

The other day I snuck to the little market with Krisi to help her sell her first batch of buns but Spencer appeared shortly after and escorted me back home. He reads all my sms messages over my shoulder and all the notes I take – which keeps everything very objective. I have taken to giving him something to read when I try to read so at least we’re not trying to read the same pages.

It doesn’t feel right to complain about someone who is also being very kind and generous with his time and family. I can see how the women here get stuck and dependant on their men and they’re totally powerless to change anything. Not true. Sometimes they pack up the 6-8 kids and move home to their parents.

The other day I could tell Krisi was upset about something and I managed to find out what. Spencer wouldn’t pay the 30cents for her to collect water from her well of choice (less salty) but made her go to the one she doesn’t like (salty water). She has no money of her own and has to be happy with what ever he says. It is he who decides what she will do during her days – he takes greedily what ever food he wants and leaves the remains for her. I know it’s none of my business but I hate to see him sitting around all day long and her working like a dog. It’s just another cultural difference which I don’t understand cause it’s not part of my upbringing. I can’t imagine what they would question about our habits.

She is so capable, strong and intelligent as with so many women here. There are many NGO’s that try to empower African woman – talk about a capacity! They should and could rule the world! It would be easier than what they do now….

.....as for the bun business. Baking is only part of the project and for them its the easiest. Everyday the buns are perfect, but finding ways to sell them and customers to buy them is difficult. I wish I could talk to her. I hardly ever get to talk to the women as most don't speak english due to not attending school long enough. The money is also challenging for them but they're also very motivated and proud of that aspect.

I'm off.....

Thanks for hanging with me. I know I'm now seeing that life is not perfect here and I feel like I'm complaining - but it isn't perfect. It has it's problems and the more I understand them and get personally involved in them, I guess I want to try and explain how it really is....and feels - cause I'm participating in it all.